Status: Fail (at childbirth class)

NWB and I have been attending the not-mandatory-but-advised child birthing class at our HMO. Though I fully intend on using the numbing effects provided by advances in modern medicine, there could be glitches in my plan. What if an epidural doesn’t work? What if there’s a rush on emergency C-sections and they can’t fit me in? In light of these possibilities, I thought it would be nice to know some pain management strategies that don’t involve curling into a ball and lying still (the only strategy I’ve ever employed for pain).

Our first class began with NWB arriving literally 30 seconds before it started with a 2-year old copy of Rolling Stone magazine ready to be perused. He was obviously traumatized by the extremely boring and mostly useless breastfeeding class we attended a few weeks ago that was two hours of a powerpoint lecture (seriously, Kaiser needs to pay an educator for a day’s worth of work to make their presentations somewhat useful. What human (adult or otherwise) can sit through a 2 hour powerpoint presentation?). I can’t say I blame him for having backup material, but it doesn’t inspire confidence in his birthing partner abilities.

Our class ended with an hour of “practice labor”, where we sat on mats in a darkened room while our instructor narrated our fake labor and told us to practice the “huh hee” method of rhythmic breathing. It was during this time that he 1. attempted (at the request of our instructor) to give me a face massage, which felt like a bear pawing at my face and 2. Leaned into my ear and whispered, “did you walk the dog?”. The combination of bear pawing and nagging questions during the portion titled “RELAXATION TECHNIQUES” was so absurd that I couldn’t help but start to laugh, which completely ruined the relaxation for all of the other birthing couples, who had their eyes closed in focused meditation. We are total A-HOLES.

Last week’s class culminated in complete and total outsider status. When the time came to do relaxation techniques, not only was there ONE couple without a birthing ball because they didn’t have enough, but this very same couple was left NO ROOM to lay out their (our) mat and be a part of the relaxation circle. The only place we could find to lean against a wall was behind the stack of chairs near the door (where no one could see us). It was totally humiliating. The continued absurdity of our participation, of course, led me to start cracking up at the beginning of rhythmic breathing, which I’m sure means that this week we will be forced to literally set up camp outside of the room. My one triumph was my newly learned ability to "ride the wave and focus" through the pain of having an ice cube in my hand for a minute (and presumably labor). I must be getting something out of this class!

In other news, I have a travel baby seat and a bed of nails in the back of my car (!). I have also reached the point in pregnancy where I literally have roll out of bed (usually in pain) every morning. For so long (probably until a month ago) I didn’t even look pregnant! I thought it was so awesome that I was “getting away with it”. I felt like I could finally empathize with those people who "don't know they are pregnant" and then give birth on the toilet. Now, I look and feel hugely pregnant. Maternity leave starts in 3 weeks (do not even get me going on this again!) and the baby is due in five. I can’t wait to move on from fetus to newborn phase. According to babycenter, I will know that the baby loves me if he stares into my eyes, memorizing my face. WHAT IF HE DOESN’T? A whole new set of worries is starting to appear in my head.

Finally, we went to the Legion of Honor in SF a few weekends ago to see the exhibit on Pissarro. It was a super enjoyable experience. It took about 40 minutes to get through, which included listening to every number on the audio guide and I learned so much—about Pissaro’s favorite daughter, his pivotal role in developing the impressionist movement and about the true meaning behind anarchy! Whoever designed that exhibit was awesome and it, of course, made me think about how curating an exhibit is just like teaching--it’s figuring out a way to present information that is understandable and somewhat enjoyable. If the exhibit is too complex or dry, then it’s just bad. I have this tendency to internalize my hatred of art exhibits and blame myself for not knowing enough or being bad at abstract thought, when really there is some blame to be placed on the presentation of the exhibit. Now I want to work in a museum (but who doesn’t?).

baby, baby, more baby

Maternity clothes have not made an appearance in my pregnancy thus far. At first, I really didn’t need them, given my propensity for clothes that are a little too big for me (I knew that would pay off!). Now, I just don’t feel like I should buy them with less than 2 months of pregnancy remaining. In addition to not wearing maternity clothes, I’m done with the wearing of pants. It’s been a month since I wore them! I only wear dresses and leggings now! I have a rotating collection of six dresses (one for every day of the work week plus an extra). Shopping for them happened in the following way:

1. Go to Macy’s
2. Find the most deeply discounted rack in the area (70% off plus an addition 15%. MINIMUM acceptable discount)
3. Find the largest dresses I can
4. Try them on to make sure they are not completely inappropriate/hideous and purchase as appropriate.

It’s totally great! I purchased my sixth dress this weekend and it only cost $23, which I think is cheaper than maternity clothes.

Here are some baby scans that I’ve had. I had them at 9, 13 and 20 weeks and I haven’t had one since. (on a side note, I am totally the kind of patient that reads the NT measurement off of the screen and then goes and goggles the normal range when they won't tell you 1. what your number is (it's totally easy to figure out) and 2. whether or not it's normal because they don't have your blood work to plug into their statistical model. I think it's called being a "good patient", though others might disagree. I would also probably, if given the opportunity, look at any stray files laying around about my health.)

I know from many a babycenter forum that people get those 3D/4D scans to see what their baby looks like in utero, but it seems dumb to me because all babies sort of look the same (scientific fact: it ensures that any old man can see himself in the baby and is therefore more likely to protect and care for it). What you really want to know is what your baby will look like in 6 months. Thank goodness this kind of advanced Japanese technology exists at the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk!

On a final note, babycenter is getting crazy awesome now--tonight there was a post titled "pregnant and on probation". This is the biggest internet obsession I've had since the first 2 months after joining facebook.

Merry Christmass 2012!

Or so it was written on the card given to me on December 25, 2011 by my beloved. Normally, I would classify him as a really knowledgeable and erudite kind of guy, but then he does things like this and I think, “what an effing idiot”. Love truly is the gift that keeps on giving.

It’s been forever since I last blogged and so much has happened! I don’t even know if I can remember it all.

We went to Corvallis, OR for thanksgiving, where I was reunited with my nephew who likes me more than just about anyone (always a good feeling). He was in charge of thanksgiving seating arrangements and put us next to each other and put NWB at the end of the table, very far away (!).

I sort of accidentally procured my total dream job, but then decided to turn it down because to make it work would be hard on my (new!) family. NWB has his dream job and it doesn’t feel right to ask him to change it or move. I’m trying to not get too upset about it, because dream jobs change right? My dream job in 2014 might be different from my dream job in 2011. I’m trying to roll with the punches here, plus I’ve been looking forward to 6 months of maternity leave since last June, and I really don’t want to cut that short. I envision a summer of lounging on beaches, visiting PT, attending the Shakespeare festival, going to Iowa (adventure!) to learn/work on a fun meteorology project, drinking lots of iced tea and generally being a laze-about—CAN NOT deviate from that course. The thought of starting a new job without 14 weeks of break time also causes me great anxiety. IT’S NOT MY TIME (American Horror Story reference).

Plus, there are some exciting things coming up at work, like the summer course that I designed which consists of taking girls into the local woods/near rivers and collecting soil and water data! It’s going to be pretty rad: we’re going to go to local parks and muck around in the wild for two hours every day, while I make some stuff up* about sulfur pools and moss growth.

(*make stuff up = present sound scientific knowledge)

Our house looks so much like a home now! Pictures have been hung, two pieces of adult furniture have been purchased (La-A-Boy rocker and nice modern couch), and two old pieces of cheap IKEA crap have been traded in/sold. A storage system for the baby has been purchased and assembled (a feat which severely tested our marriage and led me to a marketing idea for IKEA: issue “furniture engineer” certificates to customers after they assemble their purchase and send in a picture! It might make the whole endeavor seem more worth it.). Baby things have been procured in abundance through a combination of generous friends (being the last one to have a baby has its benefits!) and craigslist (baby swing for $10! Maclaren stroller for $75!). I love recycling. Our home décor finally says, “adults (and baby) live here”. It feels so cozy to be home (well, at least inside the house. Outside is still an urban war zone.).

My secret santa-ing skills grew again this year as I practiced a tactic completely different from last year—I actually gave my person everything they wanted! This resulted in a snail mail thank you card, which felt awesome.

Lots of relatives came for Christmass ™, and we played games, ate a lot of food and hung out (probably unlike every other family in the US of A!). Also, Rose came to visit! She is my spirit animal whom I haven’t seen in 4.5 years. We walked around and saw stuff like elephant seals and bison.

I attended a late pregnancy class at Kaiser and am officially in the last trimester (well, in utero. They say that the three months after the baby is born is the “fourth trimester” because it has to adjust to life outside the womb. My anger at the US and its idiotic policies on maternity leave just seems to grow everyday. My anger at women of a certain political persuasion also grows when I read babycenter forums and get a glimpse into their totally warped mindset: “Countries like Germany and EVERY OTHER WESTERN country in the world are crazy for giving money to women (regardless of income) to help raise their child. In America, we “take responsibility for our choices”). This is a seriously messed up understanding of the social contract. I would recommend re-reading some Rousseau, but I doubt they have the basic education/desire to do so, given our complete disdain for thinking and reflection in this country ("I want a president who I can drink a beer with"). AAAAHHHH, I’m moving to Denmark.

I went to bed at 9 pm on NYE, but was awakened by 32 gunshots (I’m thinking 20 +12?). Every year since I was 18, I have lived in undesirable neighborhoods and this is a staple of these places: the gunshots at midnight on NYE and the 4th of July. At this point in my life, it might be weird to not have them? I also imagine this is what it’s like in the rural south and/or southwest.

RECAP of 2011:
I think this might have truly been the most exciting/fulfilling year of my life. There have been some really crappy ones, but (knock on wood) I think the worst is over now! 2011(well it started in 2010) is the year that I became happy/fulfilled/settled in teaching (!), I won a peeps diorama contest(!), I got a grant to go live in Vienna for a month and visit museums/eat pastries (!), I got a fancy new camera (!), we decided to have a kid(!), I watched the entire Friday Night Lights series (!). So many good things in my life! Also, some spectacularly bad ones, like the loss of Pumpkin and my mom’s health problem. Culturally and politically, things seemed to continue on the rapid downward spiral that is the US foreign and domestic policy. The two most alarming to me at this particular moment are the continuation of football as a sport (when will the barbarism end? Is the well-known link between Alzheimer’s and other brain damage to the sport not enough to stop it?) and the advent of personhood amendments.

What new personal highs/American horrors will 2012 bring? (Year of the (water) dragon)

Finally, beautiful CA (Ano Nuevo), why do you have to be so expensive?