Well. I’ve been
unofficially following some traditional Japenese post-partum medicinal
practices and letting my mom take care of all household duties (and me) for the
past month (albeit in my house and not hers).
It has been glorious. We all need
house managers for extended periods of time.
It has been a month since I had Charlie!
One month, and I’ve basically been about as useful as a lace
curtain. I fear that I can’t exit this
phase to become a productive citizen.
Having a new baby is rough, yo.
The sleeplessness is vivid and runs deep. While in the hospital I read Amy Poehler’s
book, which was perfect as much of it chronicles her love for her boy children and her
thoughts on parenting. She, being
chronically unable to sleep, found new parenthood to be the ultimate cure for
that problem. I am a life-long lover of
sleep, so newborn time is especially challenging for me.
I digress, let us go back to a month ago…..
I have learned that I am never meant to have an actual
maternity leave without a baby, during which I relax and prepare for the
sleeplessness. I am meant to go from
working to laboring with no stops in between.
I thought that I was being so incredibly responsible to myself by
beginning my maternity leave 3.5 weeks before my due date (and only .5 week
after I am allowed to begin legally in CA).
I was so excited that I made a lengthy maternity leave to-do list (such a list
is exciting and whimsical before the baby, but becomes an albatross when
examined post-baby).
When I went to my 36 week check-up, my blood pressure was
elevated. They did some blood work and
then called the next day to have me go in for some monitoring. During the monitoring, my blood work was OK,
but the baby had a few dips in his heart rate.
After 6 hours of monitoring, they decided it was best to induce. Kaiser is not an organization to take ANY
risk. Two separate nurses articulated to
me that they thought I didn’t really need to be induced because the heart rate
dips didn’t look too severe. In fact,
the doctor who decided to induce did so only after talking to another
doctor. And, just like with Theo, they
wanted to hedge off any remote chance of trouble. I guess I should be happy that my health care
providers are so diligent, but being induced made me a little bit sad and
stressed out because it was a mere two days before my maternity leave and I was
not mentally prepared to work a full day and then go be induced, without even an
hour of relaxation!
Some women are meant to have peaceful births in water
baths. I am meant to have as much
medical intervention as possible without a C-section. I thought that I had learned about all of the
possible drug combos/intervention techniques with Theo, but LO! There were so many NEW experiences waiting
for me with Charlie! Some highlights:
--They started me on Pitocin, which didn’t work for 12
hours, and which never WAS going to work according to one of my nurses, who tenderly
whispered into my ear that starting an induction with Pitocin was setting me up
for failure. Sad face.
--At this point, things get a little fuzzy. I believe there were several doctors and
nurses trying to convince me to do the foley bulb. I had adamantly refused to do this procedure
during Theo’s labor and again refused to do this with Charlie. At one point, I started crying and insisted
that I would prefer a C-section to the foley bulb. I was told by the doctor that I sounded like
a crazy person (!).
--Just as I’d reluctantly consented to the foley bulb, an
angel nurse named Natashia told me that I didn’t have to do it if I didn’t want
and that she thought the procedure was “barbaric”. I felt completely empowered and she left to
tell the doctor my wishes (also my wishes to never see the intern again).
--Probably due to my veering into crazy-lady territory (and
the lack of options due to my newfound empowerment) they decided that I COULD
get the miso pill, because the baby’s heart rate had been 100% steady and fine
for 12 consecutive hours (WHAT?! So the
whole reason for the induction had vanished? Could I not be sent home?).
--This pill worked, as it did with Theo. I was offered an epidural immediately
(probably because my birth plan made my aversion to pain VERY clear), but for
some inexplicable reason, I declined.
It’s as if I thought the pain wouldn’t get worse (?). This is what happens with sleep deprivation.
--Charlie’s heart rate started dipping with contractions, so
things start to get really crazy when I doctor comes in to check me, break my
water, and insert 2 probes onto the baby’s HEAD (all in the same
maneuver). The baby is still in my body,
mind you. This was the most painful
experience I have ever had in my entire life and it ended with me screaming at
the top of my lungs for it to stop, kicking and being restrained by Natan and a
nurse. Natan looked ashen, that doctor
left the room, and I could not stop shaking (probably from PTSD).
--After about 15 minutes, another, much softer, doctor
entered and asked me if I need the other doctor to come back into the room in
order to “process that experience” (!).
I was basically offered therapy in the middle of labor.
--I declined therapy (too tired) and the new, gentler doctor
explained that they really needed to get those probes onto the baby’s head
(which is still in my body). I explained that I really needed to have some
sort of painkiller (lesson—always get the epidural immediately). They give me fentanyl and she inserted the
probes successfully and without pain.
Fentanyl only works well for about 5 minutes, but those 5 minutes allow
me to deeply understand drug addicts, because a narcotic stupor can be heavenly.
--I should point out that at this point I had a blood
pressure cuff and finger monitor on one arm, an IV in the other, an oxygen mask
on my face and two “internal probes”. I
was basically a Frankenstein monster—a situation that only got worse when I had
the epidural inserted into my back and a catheter (a total of 8 cords winding
their way into/out of my weary body).
--There is a drug that stops labor!!! I learned this when they decided to stop my
labor and let the baby “rest”.
--It was at this point that I thought, “What does a lady
have to do to get a C-section?”
--The epidural during this labor was inserted by a true spine artist. She was slow and careful and it
worked perfectly, allowing me to softly sleep for the last 5 hours of
labor. When I was awakened, it was time
to push and Charlie was born with a mere 6 pushes (that I could not feel) and a
short 32 hours after being induced (as compared to Theo’s 60)!
Thus ends some of the highlights of The Miracle of
Birth. I truly do not understand why we
can’t, as a society, go back to twilight birth.
I do not at all feel the need to have anything resembling a natural
childbirth and would, quite frankly, prefer to be asleep through the whole
thing. As long as you get a cute little
peanut in the end, who cares if you’re awake, right?
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