Charlie-4 months old!
OMG that recent trend piece in the NYT on the soylent fad in
silicon valley. What even? It doesn’t help that I also read the New
Yorker piece on venture capitalists right before. Synergy--they both name drop Marc
Andreessen! What the hell kind of dystopian capitalist future are we living
in?! Except it’s not a funny joke, but
rather the tragic present. People
fashioning themselves into techies with the dream of easy money; selling their
labor short as a part of the start-up culture; not eating any meals—the basic
building block of history, culture and community (not to mention life)—food!—so
they can spend an extra 15 minutes coding or whatever. And this, THIS is what we are pushing kids
into? Everyone’s a coder or an engineer
now. I get it—we need to see a variety
of people in every job (girls coding, dads staying at home. And some people do truly follow their passions, but the more I live, the harder they are to find.)
so that all jobs are normalized and only THEN can we start to talk about what
kind of jobs a society actually wants and needs (Though I’ve kind of lost hope
on this. We are so entrenched in modern
perverse capitalism that any job that doesn’t make money is deemed
unnecessary. A consultant once
suggested that the city of San Jose GET RID of its fire department as a cost
saving measure (the loss of a few properties costs the city less than
maintaining a department. I guess that
won’t be crazy in the future if silicon valley can figure out how to disrupt
public service. They sure are trying
with education. I DIGRESS.) But really, it’s a bit out of hand, no? We’ve lost the poets, artists and
musicians. We’ve lost the rich hues of
our cultural tapestry in favor of disruption and money. Nothing is sacred, everything is quantified,
everyone is an expert—and this disgust comes from someone with a science
background! I like quantification and
trying to solve problems, just without the MBA hubris/poor math skills (burn!).
I also like recognizing that it has its limits and there’s
an entire philosophy that dissects to what extent you can compartmentalize the
working of individual parts without losing the complexity of the whole
(reductionism). Living in silicon
valley, but not having the capital to participate in it, makes one acutely
aware of this modern insanity. I have
never more wanted to get out and be somewhere different, with a river, a field,
a bee hive and no wifi.
The first movie I saw since Charlie was born was Mad Max and
I loved it. I’ve never seen a fleet of
old grannies fight in a kick ass car chase/battle UNTIL NOW. It’s so amazing to see a variety of people
living and interacting on the big screen in an action film. I can’t believe there was a group of old
ladies in pivotal roles. George Miller
for president.
Well, maternity leave—the good part of it—is coming to an
end in a few weeks. I still have the
summer, though it is filled with obligations and the death of alone-time at
home. This maternity leave has been so
different from that with Theo. For
starters, we had houseguests for 13 out of the first 14 weeks of my leave! I’ll let that number sink it a moment….
I’ve been alone now for about three weeks, and I feel like I
am just now coming out of a family-coma.
At some point, never being alone in small spaces really renders one
completely brain-dead (not to mention totally rage-y). It’s hard to reflect and think when there are
people in your space non-stop. I am
happy it happened, and I am happy that it is over.
Theo is in school 3/5 week days, which means I am home with
2 kids 2 days a week---another difference from my other maternity leave. Having more than one kid really just
intensifies parenting, and some days I swear it is all I can do to just
maintain a basic level of order and cleanliness (no poop on the counters. possibly on floors). I have heard that years 5-12 are really nice,
so I just have 4.5 more years until my brain can start to recover! Not so bad.
I truly get why one would choose to forgo parenting. It can be hard, sad, dirty and
infuriating. It’s also a real gamble
with the current state of world (mostly US.
See rant above.) affairs to create a human for the world. I feel an extra diligence to make sure that I
raise good ones.
This maternity leave I also have little tasks to do in
preparation for the fun things I’m doing this summer. I’ve had one foot (maybe toe) sort of in the
working world this whole leave, something I promised myself I would not do, and
apparently am incapable of not doing.
One thing I know about myself is that I am able to do more when I am
working. Working provides the structure
around which I have to fit my life and through which I can exercise my
brain. Not working sometimes renders me
pretty useless and mundane tasks take me much longer than normal to
complete. Maybe that’s Stockholm Syndrome
talking, and I do need a lot of breaks from working (hence my career choices).
I’m in this weird void, where I have tasks to do, but
without the scaffolding, and so they drag on and stress me out. I have not read a book since I conquered
Fifty Shades, which I think is part of the reason I feel a real lack of
anything interesting to say. I also know
that this is way too critical a thought, as just playing with and enjoying my
new child should be my main focus and that it’s OK to spend a few months,
years, whatever without deep thoughts/interests while in the throes of
parenting young children. My brain just
doesn’t do off very well.
This week, I’m going to try to spend my free days (by free,
I mean just with Charlie) doing some relaxing stuff. I bought a paint-by-numbers and I’m going to
use it, dammit!
So what’s been going on, kid-wise? I’ve incorporated some Tina Turner into my
singing to them—specifically We Don’t Need Another Hero and What’s Love Got To
Do With It? Charlie is so very different
from Theo. I think that my biggest
thrill in parenting is getting to understand humans more. I’ve been able to see humans emerge from the
newborn stage and it’s absolutely fascinating—the essence of their
personalities so clearly present despite any environmental input. Charlie coos,
plays and smiles all the time. Theo did
not, probably in part because he didn’t have the muscle tone to do those
things.
I spend several days a week washing and drying cloth
diapers. I’m not sure I can keep this up
when working full time, but it feels good to not buy and dispose of diapers
right now, even if that feeling ends in August.
These dudes love trains.
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